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How To Survive A Sexless Marriage

Man and woman laying on a bed

Couples that live together report having sex 146 times per year on average — but once you replace “living together” with “married,” that number drops to just 98 times per year, according to a survey conducted by condom brand Durex.

What is it about marriage that just kills your sex life?

If that question resonates with you, you’re not alone. At all. It’s totally normal to get it on (way) less once that wedding band is on your finger, for a number of reasons. For one, as the excitement and anxiety of the wedding fades, it feels good to just take a break… from everything. There’s also a sense of security; maintaining a healthy sex life doesn’t seem as urgent since you theoretically have “your whole life” to get back on track. This feeling of security can also translate to putting in less effort. You trade in sexy lingerie for comfy granny panties, stay in on Friday nights (in sweatpants) instead of getting gussied up to go out, and sleep late on Saturdays instead of indulging in a morning romp. And if you have kids? Well, that one’s pretty self-explanatory. 

But just like in physics, Newton’s First Law of Motion applies: A sex life in motion tends to stay in motion — and a sex life at rest tends to stay at rest. 

In other words… if you want a good sex life in the future, you need to start working your way out of that rut now. After all, the more sex you have, the more sex you want to have — it’s like the opposite of a vicious cycle. A delicious cycle. An orgasmic cycle. 

So how to get back on track? It all starts with figuring out why you veered off track in the first place. 

You’re Tired

Life gets exhausting, and it totally makes sense if literally sleeping is more appealing than sleeping with your husband or wife. Making your way back to messing up the sheets may just be a matter of adjusting your schedule. Are you a morning person? See if you can wake up 20 minutes earlier to squeeze in a sex sesh. If you’re more of a night owl, surprise your partner with midnight love makin’. Work with your natural rhythms and energy spikes, and make sex a priority‍.

You’re Busy

These days, “too busy for sex” isn’t so much of an excuse as a reality. There’s work, there’s family, there’s friends, there’s self-care… there’s grocery shopping. The solution? Pencil it in on your iCal. As you and your S.O. make your way through the day’s to-dos, there will be one task that’s a real pleasure to check off the list.

Your Libido Is Down

As a woman, your hormones are constantly in flux — from your menstrual cycle to birth control to pregnancy, postpartum, and menopause. Considering the fact that your sex drive is directly tied to your hormone levels, it’s worth taking a look at ways you can balance your hormones and boost your libido. Read WomanCode by Alisa Viti for natural solutions to a low sex drive. (Pro tip: A healthy diet and exercise routine helps.)

You’re Not Attracted To Your Partner

And if you find you just don’t care about upping the amount of sex you’re having because you’re not attracted to your partner anymore? That’s a bigger issue; one that may require therapy, or at least some deep moments of self-introspection.

By the way — only four percent of respondents in that survey said they got it on daily. No need to overdo it!

Photo Credit: @loveisown

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